Sakura's Harem
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Summary: Complete! As a child, Sakura had a rather unfortunate meeting with Desire of the Endless. Now, she is the desire of half the village... the female half! Sakura/harem, duh! Actually, not really...
1. The Highly Unlikely Plot Gimmick

A/N: a ridiculously absurd and twisted idea I got while trolling around for Sakura yuri fics that didn't deal with her and Ino. According to my search, she only ends up with Hinata once, Tsunade not at all, among other depressing statistics. There is obviously more Yaoi going on in Narutoland-fandom. It's sexist, I tell you!

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Sakura's Harem

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 1: The Highly Unlikely Plot Gimmick

Disclaimer: I don't own Sakura, although I wouldn't like one of those cute anime statuettes of her

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Whenever Desire of the Endless walks on Earth, it leaves chaos in it's wake. All it did was have a casual conversation with one Ranma when the boy was six and completely messed up his life. It walked within two feet of one Tenchi, and suddenly… well, you know what happened. There have been other suspected Desire interventions, such as at the Hinata Sou and Mahora Academy. And you wanna know what the worst part is?

It didn't plan on any of those things happening. It just felt like taking a walk and maybe getting some take-out.

So when one day, Desire decided it wanted to stretch it's legs and maybe have some ramen, you can bet there was trouble brewing on the horizon.

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Young Sakura peeked around the corner, watching her crush as he bought some ice-cream for him and his sister. The pink-haired girl was kind of new at this 'attraction to the opposite sex' business. She knew that she should probably go to Ino to ask for help, but not right now. Now, she just wanted to get a better look at the cute boy.

It was into that scene that Desire walked in. Coming up the street to where Sakura was, Desire was mildly puzzled as to why a little girl was looking around the corner with a blush on her face. Peeking around the corner opposite Sakura, Desire's angle of view kept it from seeing Sasuke. All it saw was Sasuke's sister. Putting the incomplete elements of this equation together, Desire jumped to absolutely the wrong conclusion.

Chuckling, it walked up to Sakura and patted her on the shoulder. "Ah, I see you thinks it's never too early to broaden your horizons. Well, best of luck to you kid."

With that blessing, Desire walked off, ignoring the confused on young Sakura's face, and definitely not noticing that from Sakura's angle, it had been Sasuke she'd been looking at and not his sister. Unfortunately for the rest of Sakura's natural life and probably beyond, it was too late.

After Desire had a bowl of Ichiraku ramen, it went back to the Threshold, hopefully never to be seen again.

As for Sakura… well, she didn't notice it, but on her way home, she started garnering _looks_. You know, _look_ looks.

Quite unfortunately for her, it was all blessed with Desire's wrong conclusion.

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Sakura never heard about the Uchiha Massacre a few days later, or about how there were only two survivors, twin siblings who were likely on their way to being scarred for life. She had more pressing things to worry about.

Like how almost over night, she seemed to become the most popular girl in the village.

Whenever her mother had to leave the house for an extended period of time and needed to have Sakura babysat, people would always fight about whose team would get the mission… _literally_! Everyone seemed to want a piece of Sakura, or failing that, a moment of her time and the acknowledgement of their existence. She'd be given little gifts or snacks, and someone would always be willing to do her chores in school, or carry her bag, or any little thing she needed doing. When she walked down the street, at least three people would call out to her and walk with her within the first three feet of her front door.

And Sakura, being the innocent, naïve girl she was then, didn't notice anything unusual about this. In her mind, she was making a lot of friends, was well liked, and everything was perfectly ordinary.

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Somewhere, a mother stared down in disappointment, anger and disgust at her nine year old daughter, who had her head bowed down in shame. "My only daughter! How could you? How could you sink so low into this… **perversion**?"

The girl grit her teeth, trying not to cry and failing miserably. Tears stared to leak from her eyes as she wringed her hands before her.

"Who?" her mother demanded, fists clenched. "Who is it?"

The girl swallowed, not looking up. "H-haruno S-saku-r-ra," she whispered, hoping her mother wouldn't hear.

She didn't see her mother blink in surprise. "Oh…" her mother said, looking deflated all of a sudden. "I see…"

The girl blinked at her mother's too calm and surprised voice. She looked up, and was confused to see her mother was now looking pensive.

"Well," her mother eventually said, "I suppose she's a good choice as any… alright, I won't say anything to your father."

With that, the subject was dropped, leaving a little girl very much confused.

Had she been paying attention, she'd have noticed her mother was blushing.

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"Here, Sakura," a lightly blushing girl with blue hair said as she held out her food. "I thought you'd like some chocolate."

Sakura smiled widely, reaching for the sweets. "Thanks, Ami-chan!" she said, closing her eyes in bliss as she chewed, completely oblivious to the stars and hearts in the girl's eyes.

"Sakura-chan!" a blonde girl with her long hair tied back with a red ribbon said, skidding to a stop in front of pink-haired girl. "Could you help me finish my lunch? I made a little too much this morning."

"Well…" Sakura said, musing.

"It's curry," the blonde supplied helpfully.

That did it. "Sure, Minako-chan!" Sakura exclaimed. Minako made the best curry ever.

She didn't notice the jealous looks the rest of the girls were directing at Minako as she sat down next to her and helped her finish off her food…

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"You're pretty lucky, Ino-chan," the short-haired blonde girl commented with not a little jealousy as she watched Sakura sitting down to eat with Minako. "Everyone has to try and get Sakura-hime's attention for her to even notice them. But you're her best friend, so all you have to do is walk up to her and she'll talk to you."

"We're so jealous, Ino-chan!" the girls friend said next to her, pouting cutely.

Ino frowned. "I don't see what's the big deal," she said, putting her hands on her hips as she looked at the two. "I mean, she's my best friend and all, but there's really nothing _that_ special about Sakura."

The two gasped, scandalized. "How can you say that about Sakura-hime?" the blonde Haruka exclaimed, while the other girl, Michiru, was looking at Ino like she'd just said a disgusting swear word.

Ino pretended to roll her eyes at the two. In truth, she knew _exactly_ what was so special about Sakura. She'd have been blind not to. Whenever ever her eyes fell on Sakura, her heart clenched, her breath caught, and she started to tremble. A tingling feeling ran through her skin, and she started feeling warm all over– a feeling that went through the _roof_ if Sakura was actually _touching_ her!

She realized that this was all happening in real time and frantically tried to clear her head. Oh, she so did _not_ need this…!

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Somewhere, Desire was busy turning another person's life into a harem anime. Robin could not for the life of him understand why Batgirl, Supergirl, Stargirl, Mary Marvel, Wondergirl, Raven, Starfire, and a ton of other female heroes suddenly had the hots for him. On the other hand, he knew why a lot of super_heroes_ were suddenly out for his blood. All that snickering Batman and Alfred were making wasn't helping…

And since when did he have a gender-change curse?

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**- To be continued...**

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A/N: Desire of the Endless is a _very_ convenient plot device for irrational attraction. It should be used more often.

And before anyone gets confused, I decided to give Sas a twin sister in this fic.

I have yet to see a Robinharem story, in either the Teen Titans cartoon or the DC continuity sections of ffnet. Or is it just I can't find them?

Please review, C&C welcome. Reviews more informative than 'it's good', or variations thereof would be nice…

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	2. How It Affects Cannon

A/N: the previous chapter wasn't really meant to be continued. It was an idea in response to so many Naruto-harem fics. Still, the thing about ideas is that they never really go away…

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Sakura's Harem

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 2: How It Affects Canon

Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue.

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Several years later… 

Haruno Sakura checked her dress for the nth time as she climbed down the stairs on her way towards the mail. As usual, there was a nice little pile waiting for her to pick up. Whistling a cheerful little tune under her breath, she rooted through them, not bothering open the envelopes to know who they were from. After all these years, she could tell by the handwriting on the address alone.

Of course, that didn't mean she knew who it was.

Still, that didn't mean she didn't recognize her long-writing secret admirers. She just didn't know who they really were.

Putting the letters to one side to read later that day, Sakura skipped off towards the academy, adjusting the white ribbon in her hair. It was a gift from Ino and she really liked it.

"Hey, Sakura-chan!" at least five girls greeted as she walked out her door.

"Hey Haruka-chan, Michiru-chan, Hotaru-chan, Seiya-chan, Yaten-chan, Setsuna-chan!" she said, waving towards them. "Gotta go! It's graduation day at the Academy!"

With that she was off, not noticing the way the girls swooned in pleasure as she said their names. "She talked to me…" they all gasped.

Haruno Sakura. Age twelve, and the most popular girl in the village. Especially with the other girls.

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Uchiha Sasuke crept cautiously to his classroom, trying not to be caught by…

"Oh! Sasuke-kun!"

Slumping in dejection, Sasuke pasted a fake smile on his face that had seen better days and turned to face his worse nightmare. "Oh, hi there, Sakura-chan," he said, trying not to shake in terror. He was an Uchiha, damn it! "I was just looking for you…"

Sakura smiled. "Are we still on for our date later, Sasuke-kun?"

He wanted to give a negative, he really did, but one look over her shoulder made his blood run cold. "O-of c-course, Sakura-chan. The usual time?"

Sakura giggled. "I'll be there," she said, kissing him on the cheek before skipping off to class.

Swallowing audibly, Sasuke turned to the crowd of girls who had been giving evil looks from over Sakura' shoulder.

Tendo Akane stepped forward. At a signal from her, every girl in range held a _kunai_ to the Uchiha's throat. "You will take her to her favorite restaurant. You will treat her properly. You will be polite at all times, you will complement her clothes _and_ her hair. You will make no attempt to touch, kiss or leave her and you will certainly _not_ hurt her feelings or there will be… consequences. Is that clear Uchiha-san?"

Sasuke gulped. "Crystal."

At the back of the crowd, Uchiha Satsuki, Sasuke's twin sister, glared hatefully at her brother. What did he have that she didn't to be able to attract the attentions of Sakura-hime. She hoped he eventually got around to killing Itachi-teme. Then she could get rid of him and have Sakura-hime to herself!

When the crowd of girls went away, only then did Sasuke allow himself to slump down to the ground, curl up into the fetal position and shake like crazy. He prayed to anyone listening that he ended up in a team without girls…

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Hyuuga Hinata found herself in quite the dilemma. Sitting diagonally to her left where the two most beautiful people in the world. One had beautiful golden locks, crystal blue eyes, a devil-may-care grin and an unbreaking will and determination. The other had silky strawberry hair, the fairest skin in the world, the sunniest, most beautiful, angelic smile and the grace and carriage of a goddess.

_Naruto-kun… Sakura-chan… Naruto-kun… Sakura-chan…_ Hinata mentally struggled, before collapsing on top of her desk, her head in her hands. _Oh, I cannot choose… **I MUST HAVE THEM BOTH!**_

The most popular girl in the village and the most popular guy in school didn't notice the profusely nose-bleeding Hyugga behind them as they chatted, the best of friends. Besides Ino, Naruto was actually Sakura's best friend. How did this happen? Well, it sort of went like this:

One day, some bully decided– to the horror of all the girls and women present– to pick on Sakura. Some say he was a kid whose promised girl had broken with him when she set eyes on Sakura, others a jounin in disguise who didn't like the fact his girlfriend kept comparing him to a little girl. Needless to say, before any of the girls– and women, let's not forget– could do anything, Naruto had appeared out of nowhere, yelled at the bully for picking on girls, kicked the guy in the groin and pulled Sakura to safety. They'd been friends ever since.

Needless to say, this had a wonderful effect on Naruto's reputation. Every single woman no longer saw him as the 'demon fox' and would promptly beat up any male who claimed so in their presence. After all, there was no way he could be a demon when he was Sakura-hime's best friend, Sakura-hime who was so pure, snow was pitch black in comparison. Him using his dark, demonic influence to control Sakura's mind? Impossible! The gods would not allow it! In a single event, Naruto managed to change the mind of half the village.

Girls flocked to Naruto, wishing to be in the presence of the one Sakura held in such high esteem. At first popular by association, his personally soon ingratiated himself to anyone who hung around long enough, making him popular in his own right. Heck, a couple of girls had even gone on dates with him.

Of course, their first love was still Sakura-hime. But some did think that Naruto was a good second.

And Sasuke? He was off limits. As Sakura-hime's (unworthy) chosen one, he was allowed to live for as long as he pleased her. Not only would no one dare take what was Sakura's, but some of the girls also disliked him because he took Sakura's attention away from them.

Naruto? Oh, he was no threat. He was Sakura-hime's trusted Knight, there to protect her from villainous fiends.

Somehow, this is probably not what the Yondaime meant by 'treat Naruto as a hero'.

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Meanwhile, in the special kunoichi classes… 

Suzume pushed her glasses up her nose. "Now, on to the lesson."

She flicked her hand towards the board, from which hung a huge picture of Sakura, and a slightly smaller picture of Naruto, as well as a picture of Ino. "Though in speaking to _her _we must refer to her as 'Sakura-chan', you will all refer to _her_ as Sakura-hime at all other times. You will _think_ of her as Sakura-hime at all times."

"She is Sakura-hime, now and forever!" the class recited back. "We give ourselves to Sakura-hime!"

Suzume nodded, then pointed at the picture of Naruto. "Naruto-sama is the Princess's Knight. You will treat him with the respect he deserves as the hero he is. He is the Princess's Right Hand, her Defender in the Light. No matter what others may say about him, we know his true worth, for he is the Guardian of the Princess, Protector of Purity!"

"Hail Naruto-sama, Guardian of the Princess! Protector of Purity!" everyone chorused.

Suzume pointed towards the picture of Ino. "Ino-sama. She is the Princess's other best friend, and as such, free of the base desires we mere mortals posses. She alone has the strength to speak to our Princess without being overcome by her beauty. She alone in Konoha may approach the Princess without fear. Yet despite these superhuman abilities, she does not abuse them, seeking only the Princess's companionship as a friend. She is the Princess's Left Hand, her Guiding Wisdom!"

"Praise be to Ino-sama! Grant us her strength and fortitude before the Princess!" the class chorused.

Reaching down, Suzume picked up something with a look of utmost disgust. Laying it against the board, making sure it didn't touch any of the other pictures, she impaled it with a _kunai_. It was a badly abused picture of Uchiha Sasuke, riddled with cuts, holes and other damages. One corner was burnt.

Suzume gave the picture a look of disgust. "Behold the face of evil!" she cried, gesturing with another _kunai_. "This is the Dark One who tempts our Princess with his honeyed words and evil intent! He is our greatest enemy, for he may yet manage to turn our Princess to darkness. Behold, our greatest foe, Sasuke The Unworthy!"

"Fuck you, Sasuke-teme!" all the girls said, saluting with their middle fingers upraised.

Suzume slapped a hand on the tabletop. "Friends, from this day forth, you train to be kunoichi of Konoha. And even though we will be made to swear to protect the Leaf, we all know the Truth. We fight only because, in defending Konoha, we defend our Princess. You will train to be ninja's and defend _Her_ from the shadows, the way her Knight protects her in the light. Go and guard our princess with your lives!"

"**_FOR SAKURA-HIME!_**"

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Two passing chuunin instructors passed Suzume's classroom, wondering about it indistinct noises.

"I wonder what they talk about in there?" one guy said to the other.

The other guy shrugged. "Girl stuff, probably."

The two didn't give it another thought.

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"**GET AWAY FROM ME!**" Larxene screamed as she blasted those crowding her.

"But Larxene, I love you!" Roxas cried as he threw himself at her feet, wrapping his arms around her leg. She beat him senseless with her other foot.

"You make me feel like I have a heart!" Axel cried, reaching for her. She picked up what was left of Roxas and used it to hit him repeatedly.

"My delicate flower…!" Marluxia said, before he got hit by a bolt of lightning.

"My Larxene! My Heart! My Kingdom Heart!" Xenmas said, before finding Marluxia's scythe in his gut.

"Larxene!" Demyx, Luxord and Lexeaus said.

"Larxene!" Zexion, Xigbar and Xaldin cried.

"My darling!" Vexen extolled.

"Hey, Larxene-baby!" Saix said.

With a frantic cry, Larxene teleported herself out of the press of bodies and ran away to a certain room in the castle.

"Namine! Hide me! The guys have all gone nuts!" Larxene said, before turning around and barricading the door with anything she could get her hands on.

That done, she turned and 'eeped'.

Namine was lying on the bed without a stitch to her name, looking at Larxene with half-lidded eyes. "Oh, how awful. Come over here, Larxene-sama. I'll take care of you…"

Larxene cursed ever talking to that creepy character in the suit. First it asked her why she felt no desire except for a heart, then it said she'll have the hearts of everyone…

Somewhere, Desire sneezed.

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**- To be continued... (?)**

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A/N: silly, isn't it?

Sasuke the abused. Naruto the hero. The Kunoichi Cult of Sakura. Princess Sakura? Oh, wonderful, wonderful crack!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	3. Life After Mizuki

A/N: for those who don't get the point, this fic is running under the concept that Desire (of the Endless) is the cause of all harem situations. I pity my Robin and Larxene…

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Sakura's Harem

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 3: Life After Mizuki

Disclaimer: I don't own, please don't sue.

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When it was heard that Naruto(-sama, Guardian of the Princess, Protector of Purity), failed his exam to be a shinobi, Sakura was, as a best friend, properly sympathetic and supportive. The 'Kunoichi Cult of Sakura'™ was feeling slightly helpless. It was, surprisingly to some, Hyuuga Hinata who took the initiative and suggested that Suzume and her female colleagues try and erase the results of the examination, while she organized anyone who was willing into a revenge squad to beat the crap out of Iruka. There were a surprising number of girls who volunteered.

Then Naruto disappears, and the Scroll of Seals is reported missing. People get edgy, the revenge plan is suspended. Among the adults, there are murmurs of 'the damned fox', which are followed immediately by grunts of pain as nearby females move to inflict them, as well as give scathing reminders of 'Yondaime's Legacy'.

Hours later, Iruka shows up with the scroll and a report of what happened.

When parts of the news of what happened leaked down to the younger girls (such as Iruka personally promoting Naruto), the revenge plans are exchanged for flowers, candy, and lots of anonymous cards and 'thank you' notes. Twelve women make passes at Iruka. Four of them are willing to do it together (of course, their first love will always be Sakura-hime).

Iruka never realized the reason for the upswing of his popularity.

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"So," Sakura said. "He said that the demon fox is trapped inside you?"

Naruto nodded. "He said that was why everyone hated me but," he frowned in that Naruto way of his, "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT!"

Sakura nodded in agreement. "Yeah. If anything, people treat you like a hero, the way Iruka said the Yondaime wanted you to be."

"Mizuki was probably just jealous," Naruto said. "Let's forget about him. So, what teams to do you think we'll end up in?"

Sakura smiled. "Well, I really want to be on the same team with you and Sasuke. Having my best friend and my boyfriend in a team with me would be so great!"

"If you want to be on the same team with your boyfriend and your best friend, where does Sasuke fit in?" Naruto said, grinning cheekily.

Sakura rolled her eyes as she remembered Ino. "Naruto!" she chided. He just laughed.

Somewhere, ANBU were listening in. "Have arrangements made to put Sakura-hime, Naruto-sama and Sasuke-teme on the same team," one told a subordinate.

There were nods all around. If Sakura-hime wanted it, it would be done. A pity they couldn't go with Naruto-sama's idea. Ino-sama would be so much better to have than Sasuke-teme.

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Kakashi ran a lazy eye over his charges. It was unusual to have a four-genin team, but there they were. The Uchiha twins, Sasuke and Satsuki, the former occasionally twitching and the latter giving her brother occasional hostile looks. Poor children. Clearly the Uchiha Massacre had affected them deeper than anyone thought. Sasuke's twitches were proof of that. And Satsuki obviously still blamed Sasuke for what happened, for some reason.

As the introductions were made, it was obvious that the Uchiha girl had a crush on the Haruno girl (kind of early, isn't it?), who happened to be dating the Uchiha boy, who wasn't particularly happy about it. The only thing needed to make the soap opera complete would be for the Uchiha boy to secretly have a crush on the Yondaime's Legacy.

Kakashi almost decided to forego the bell test he had in mind. Seeing the fireworks that would result from all this mess would almost be worth it. Almost…

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Haku was very glad of her mask as she landed next to Zabuza. She could help staring and blushing at the GODDESS that stood before her, standing in front of their target. Oh, Kami, she was so beautiful…

Haku felt the practiced lines rolling easily off her tongue as her body moved on automatic, her eyes not ceasing to drink in the vision of perfection in front of her while she picked up Zabuza. Oh, how she wanted her…

She almost could bring herself to disappear with Zabuza-san, so intent was she of staring at the person she knew she wanted more than anything…

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"No, I don't know where she is. Sorry," Judai said, managing to keep a straight face (the hardest thing he'd ever done in his life) as the girls outside his door sighed and walked away dejectedly, to continue their search. When he was sure they were out of earshot, he walked towards the bunks and pulled himself up look into the top bunk. "They're gone, Asuka. You can come out now."

A slightly muffled "HELL NO!" was the reply.

Judai sighed. "Come on, Asuka. You can't hide here forever."

"Watch me!"

"You'll at least have to come out when they finish your special isolation enviro– um, that pod they're making for you to stay in under the school."

"Not coming out. NEVER coming out!"

Judai sighed, deciding to find Fubuki to try and talk to her. Well, maybe not Fubuki. If the idea of setting his sister up with a boy got him enthusiastic, the idea of setting her up with a girl– worse, a harem of girls!– practically had him frothing at the mouth. Poor Manjyome lost his staunchest– and only– supporter.

Sighing again– he now knew what people meant by being depressed– Judai checked the wards around the room for the fifth time. He missed Winged Kuribo, but who knew his partner was a girl? At least this way, Asuka wouldn't be bothered by amorous female Duel Monster spirits…

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**- To be continued…**

(Read '**_Harry Potter and the Collided Worlds_**' by **Sokai**, story id 2502930)

A/N: poor Asuka. And a mostly-female deck too…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	4. Poor Zabuza! Sasuke The Long Suffering!

A/N: I'm in a crack-y mood right now, so…

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Sakura's Harem

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 4: Poor Zabuza! Sasuke The Long Suffering!

Disclaimer: I don't own Sakura or anybody else. If I did, this would all be canon.

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"Haku?" Zabuza asked, doing his best to move around, than sinking back into his bed as the kunoichi didn't appear. She was probably off spying on that pink-haired girl again. Thinking back on it, Zabuza _really_ should have foreseen this eventuality. Seriously, having only him as a role-model? For _everything_? It was a wonder he hadn't noticed she was gay sooner…

But that was beside the point, as he really needed a drink, and the jug was too far away to reach…

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Zabuza's eyebrow twitched. "You told Gatou we quit?" he said.

Haku nodded enthusiastically, prompting Zabuza to have a serious case of 'creep out'. Haku was _never_ that perky. "He did not wish to release us, so I was required to defend myself," Haku said. "He and most of his men are dead now."

Zabuza closed his eyes. This was _that girl's_ fault. He just knew it…

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Sakura and Naruto stared at the kunoichi before them. "You wanna _what_?" Naruto said, still not sure if he'd heard it right. Sasuke was looking at the girl wide-eyed, twitching slightly. After so long, he could tell a rabid Sakura-fangirl on sight, and he was definitely looking at one that was _way_ rabid. The twitch got worse.

Satsuki glared at the _nuke-nin_, seeing yet another rival for Sakura-hime's affections. Damn her!

Kakashi just listened.

"We wish to join Konoha!" Haku chirped. It was a good thing she was wearing her mask, or even Sakura would be disturbed by her wide grin. The leer that would be directed at her wouldn't help either.

Zabuza tried not to glare at the pink-haired girl corrupting his Haku. How had he been convinced to do this again? Oh yeah, the puppy-dog eyes look. Curse Haku's cuteness! Curse cuteness-multiplying techniques! "Um, yeah, what she said," he grumbled.

Sasuke nearly screamed when Kakashi said they could tag along.

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"Hey! Leave Konohamaru alone!" Sakura said as the black-wearing Sand-nin continued to pick on the little boy. Naruto was _this_ close to jumping the guy.

Kankuro was about to sneer when something big and heavy wacked the back of his head, and he suddenly found himself on the ground as Temari began helping the little brat to his feet. "Oh, I'm so sorry about him," Temari gushed apologetically to the pink-haired girl. "Kankuro's always getting into trouble for things like this– I'm Temari, by the way. What's your name?"

Kankuro blinked, wondering how hard he'd been hit, because it almost sounded like Temari was _hitting on_ the girl…

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Kin, Temari, Haku and a bunch of other girls there for the chuunin exam stood facing what looked like every kunoichi in Konoha.

"Fellow kunoichi," Tenten said. "You are here because you worship the goddess that is Sakura-hime! Is this so?"

"**_YES!_**" the crowd of foreign nin chorused.

"Then let us begin," Tenten said, and Suzume turned on a projector.

"This is Sasuke-teme…" Suzume began to explain.

Zabuza, who'd followed Haku and was currently hiding in the air vents, stared as the lesson continued. "That girl's got a _cult_ worshipping her?" he said, awed. There was a pause. "Cool!"

Sasuke, who'd followed Haku out of suspicion, paled in horror from inside _his_ air vent as the lesson continued. "Oh, kami, they want to kill me!"

Now he was sure of it: Sakura would be the death of him!

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The Hokage stared at the assembled foreign shinobi. "Would you please repeat that?" He said weakly. He could have sworn…

"We want to defect and join Konoha!"" Kin, representing everyone, said. "Also, we'd like to warn you that Orochimaru is impersonating the Kazekage and is planning to attack your village." All the Sound and Sand shinobi nodded, although the latter looked surprised at the news.

As the hokage dealt with this headache, the girls all grinned to themselves. Now, Sakura-hime would be protected…

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"NO! I absolutely refuse to return to Konoha!" Tsunade declared. There was no way she'd go back just because Sarutobi-sensei decided it was time to retire by going into a coma after Oroshimaru's failed invasion. "There is no way you can make me!"

Jiraiya frowned, while Naruto looked ready to explode. Sakura, however, leaned forward into Tsunade's field of vision, hands clasped pleadingly. "Please, I'm begging you Tsunade-sama, please come back. My boyfriend–"

"All right," Tsunade said abruptly, making Sakura pause in mid-speech and Jiraiya and Shizune to choke on what they were drinking. "When do we leave?"

Spit-takes followed.

Jiraiya never figured out what changed Tsunade's mind, although he suspected the fact that Naruto reminded her of her dead brother and the thing about Sakura's boyfriend being in trouble had to do with it. Silly man…

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Even ANBU slip up. That's why no one was watching Sakura when Sasuke decided to defect to Orochimaru.

Knocking her out was the most satisfying thing Sasuke had ever done.

He'd barely ran ten feet before he realized exactly what he'd done. "I'm… I'm free…" he breathed. "No more being her boyfriend, no more complementing her looks, her clothes, her hair, her _shoes_! No more being threatened by insane cultists girls, no more worrying when my psycho-sister will kill me… I'm free. I'M FREE!"

Fortunetely for him, there was no one around to hear his yell.

Sasuke wiped the happy tears from his face. "Hang on Orochimaru-sama! I'm coming!"

In his mind, "Orochimaru" firmly equaled "no more Sakura, EVER!". Power to kill Itachi wasn't anywhere _near_ the equation…

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"All right," Tsunade said. "Sasuke has left Konoha." Cheers all around as she let herself smile slightly, before becoming serious again. "Naruto-sama and a few genin left to get him back, but I wasn't thinking too clearly then. Obviously, all possible resources must be devoted to this. So, kunoichi of Konoha, as distasteful as it may be, bring back Sasuke-teme and return Sakura-hime's happiness!"

"Hai, Hokage-sama!" the assembled kunoichi of Konoha, ranging from Academy students to jounin chorused. "For Sakura-hime's happiness!"

"Tayuya, are you sure Orochimaru will send the Sound 4?" Tsunade asked.

"Yeah. But don't worry," the ex-Sound-turned-cultist smirked. She looked back at the literal army of girls. "We can take them."

Tsunade nodded. "Good. And," she sighed, "as much as I hate to say it… bring Sasuke-teme back alive."

Everyone groaned. They'd been hoping she wouldn't say that…

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In his barrel, Sasuke felt a chill go up his spine. And it had nothing to do with the Curse Seal…

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"FINALLY, MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ASWERED!" Princess Fatora of Roshtaria cried to the heavens as she laughed, celebrating as she finally regained her spirituality. This seeming bout of insanity was totally ignored by the harem of girls around her, which consisted of Alele, Shayla-Shayla, Afura, Miz, Naname, and even Queen Diva, just to name a few.

Off to the side, Fujitaka-sensei was celebrating his good fortune at having shaken off the marriage-obsessed water-priestess, while Makoto snuggled next to Iphureeta, extremely glad she was completely unaffected by whatever had suddenly made Fatora kami's gift to women.

Rune sighed and wondered how she was going to explain this…

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**- To be continued...**

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A/N: What? The two are fated to be together.

I originally wanted to make some kind of Zabuza-Sasuke Alliance Against Sakura's Evil™, but Zabu didn't seem like the type.

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Omake, by Pwn Master Paladin 

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Sasuke looked at the woman standing before him. "I am here to serve Orochimaru-Sama."

"Yes, I see that Sasuke. Unfortunately, you were too late. I had to transfer to this body before you arrived. However all is not lost. I shall train you for three years. At the end of which, I shall join my soul with your body, and you shall have all the power that you will need to kill your brother!"

Sasuke stared at Orochimaru before something clicked in his head. "Oh, right. Itachi. I actually didn't come here to gain power to stop him. I came to escape Sakura Haruno and her followers/cult."

"I...see. Very well, go with Kabuto and he will show you to your quarters." Orochimaru watched as his/her new body was lead away, before he/she turned to the window. " Sakura Haruno...?"

THREE YEARS LATER

"I am ready, Orochimaru-sama." Sasuke, his body built up after years of training, stood before his master, awaiting the gift of power he was promised.

"Very well. Kabuto, strap him to the transfer table." After Sasuke was strapped down and the transfer began, Orochimaru stared into Sasuke's eyes. "I am afraid I have not been quite honest with you Sasuke."

Unable to respond, Sasuke looked up curiously. The gag on his mouth kept any questions from being asked, but they were clear in his eyes.

"I have no intention of going after Itahci, or even destoying Konoha. I plan on going BACK, and using your body, have Sakura-Hime to myself! MWAHAHAHAHA!!"

Sasuke's eyes widened, before he began struggling against his bonds in a fearful attempt to get out. As Orochimaru finished the last seal, he could only scream out behind his gag "NO!"

Unfortunately for our dear Uchicha, Desire's curse affected ALL females, even if the soul in the female's body was male, and once afflicted, you were ALWAYS afflicted.

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**END!**

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For all those waiting for updates to my trinity of Harry fics (Uzumaki, Raven and Card Captor), updates have been delayed by crack mood, writer's block and college requirements.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	5. What Happens Next!

A/N: yet another load of crack!

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Sakura's Harem

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 5: What Happens Next

Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue. This is not to be confused with the _other_ 'Sakura's Harem' with the amazons. There is a reference that is an homage to Rorschach's Blot. No offense is meant.

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"RUN AWAY!" Kidomaru cried as he, Sakon and Jirobu beat feet like they were being pursued by the hounds of hell, juggling Sasuke's barrel between them.

"KILL THE BASTARDS!"

"FOR THE GLORY OF SAKURA-HIME!"

The hounds of hell– nearly every single kunoichi in Konoha capable of holding a _kunai_– ran after them, Tayuya somewhere in the lead.

"RETURN THE UNWORTHY ONE!"

"AFTER ACCIDENTALLY TRAMPLING HIM AND CUTTING OFF HIS BALLS!"

"_**YEAH!!!!**_"

Meanwhile, in the barrel, Sasuke was blissfully napping, having forgotten the ominous chill that had gone up his spine as he dreamed of dumping Sakura in the most creative and most public ways possible…

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"This sucks!" Kiba cried as he, Neji, Shikamaru and Chouji ran with the tide of women. He pointed towards were Naruto was being carried by a bunch of ANBU. "How come he doesn't have to run?"

"It is dest– aw, screw it, this is frickin' unfair!" Neji snapped.

Everyone can pretty much just guess Shikamaru's stock line as Chouji rolled along like he'd fallen out of the latest Zelda game…

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Kimimaro landed dramatically on the tree branch, crossing his arms imperiously as he got ready to face the Sound 4 to approach. He was the only one competent enough to make sure this wasn't screwed up–

His emo moment was broken as he was run over by three panicked Sound-Nins, followed by the kunoichi hounds of hell.

And the Sound lost a terminally ill patient who was good for fan service…

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Sasuke stretched as he woke, enjoying the rush of power going through him and allowing him to break out of the barrel with ease. His hair felt longer, and his back itched, but those minor discomforts were nothing to the overwhelming pleasure at knowing he'd never have to set foot in Konoha again. Actually smilling, he opened his eyes…

And his blood went cold as he saw he was in the middle of a circle of four shinobi with activated curse seals trying to hold back an army of kunoichi. His ears began registering the horrifying words being thrown about.

"FOR THE GLORY OF SAKURA-HIME!"

"SAKURA-HIME FOREVER!"

"CASTRATE SASUKE!"

"_**YEAH!!!**_"

Sasuke twitched. That was the only warning anyone had before two giant HANDS erupted from his back.

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"YOU WON'T TAKE ME ALIVE!"

With that battle cry, everyone was made aware of the fact Sasuke had joined the battle. A swath began to get cut through the surrounding women in a straight line away from Konoha as a three-quarters insane Uchiha tried to escape with the desperation of a man knowing he was damned.

"Sasuke!" Naruto cried as he placed himself squarely in the other boy's path. "I promised Sakura I'd bring you back to Konoha and–" that was a far as he got before Sasuke gave a maddened shriek and punted him into the stratosphere before he could say "_Kage Bunshin no jutsu_". The now-nine-tenths crazy boy attacked with renewed fervor, his escort barely keeping up.

"_I'M NOT GOING BACK TO THAT HELL HOLE! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! I WANT SAKURA TO DIE! DIE SAKURA, DIE!_" he cried, his mind slowly overwriting a certain line of code…

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Lots of chakra, bodily damage and the timely arrival of Kabuto found a shaking Sasuke standing before Orochimaru, with the Sound 4 lying in an unconscious heap close by, completely exhausted. Only adrenaline and shear terror kept the brunette upright, standing and twitching. If Orochimaru found anything odd about this, he didn't show it - though the bandages really didn't let him show much.

"I am here, Orochimaru," Sasuke said shakily. "Where's that power you promised."

"I'm afraid that I had to transfer into this body before you arrived, Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru said. "Howerver, do not fret, I promised you power and I will give it to you. You can have all the power you need to kill your brother."

"Kill Sakura…" Sasuke corrected blearily.

Orochimaru's visible eye blinked. "Um, pardon?"

Sasuke's shaking began to get worse. Kabuto discretely began to move closer in case he need to treat the boy. "Haruno Sakura…" Sasuke said, his hands balling into fists. "I hate you… I despise you… because of you, I have had to live in an unsightly manner…"

Both Kabuto and Orochimaru leaned forward slightly as his voice puttered out, only to jump back in surprise as Sasuke threw back his head and screamed. "_**HARUNO SAKURA, BECAUSE OF YOU, I'VE SEEN HELL!!! PREPARE TO DIE, BITCH!!! I'LL KILL YOU AND REVIVE MY CLAN!**_"

Sasuke grinned in madness, looking at Kabuto. "Kabuto-san…" he said silkily as the medic-nin recovered from the sudden cry, only to be royally creeped out by Sasuke's grin. "Kabuto-san… would you like to be my best friend…?"

So saying, he keeled over and fainted. Orochimaru leaned forward warily, as if ascertaining he was truly unconscious. "Hmm. Well, that was… unexpected."

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_**Meanwhile, back in Konoha…**_

"Luckily, no one died," Tsunade said as she inspected the emergency care facilities to deal with the large influx on injuries from the failed Sasuke Retrieval mission. "Uchiha was too irrational to actually do series damage." She turned to Shizune. "How is Naruto-sama?"

"Doing well," the former-brunette said, flicking some of her newly blonde hair out of her eyes. Black hair was now a no-no, since it might remind Sakura-hime of THE TRAITOR! "Luckily, the sands of Wind Country's deserts were soft, so they broke his fall."

Tsunade nodded. "Have Uchiha Sasuke put in the Bingo book, Triple class-S+++ priority. He is to be taken alive, but if that is not easily possible, he is to be killed with extreme prejudice."

Translated: Make him suffer as you kill him. Bringing back alive is _**very**_ optional.

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Ino sighed as she made her way towards Sakura's house. Ever since the failed mission and talking to Naruto, the strawberry blonde– _goddess walking the earth amongst unworthy mortals_– girl had fallen into a depression. Everyone else in the whole village– the whole fickin' _**VILLAGE**_, if you could believe that– didn't know what to do and wouldn't dare. As her best friend since she was born, Ino felt it was her duty to rise above the stupidity and superstition cloying the minds of the village and try to get Sakura out of her funk.

That and the fact she'd been puppy-dog-eyed by every able-bodied woman on the village, threatened at sword-point by ANBU and ordered by the Hokage, assigning it as a Triple class-S+++ priority mission, whatever the heck that was now.

A block from Sakura's house, Ino suddenly turned on her heel and glared at the procession behind her. "Look, if you guys keep following me, Sakura's going to get wise that something's up. Now BUZZ OFF!"

The crowd of women behind her cringed, some frowning at the order, but they stayed in place when she turned around and continued walking. Idiots.

A while later, Ino found herself facing Sakura's door. Taking a deep breath and repeatedly telling herself that there was nothing special about Sakura, that her heart didn't clench, or her breath caught, or start to tremble or a tingling feeling run through her skin or she started feeling warm all over…

Ino started quietly banging her head against a weight she carried around for just this sort of occasion, trying to knock the sensations right out of her, with little success. All she'd managed was give herself a bruise on her forehead. Great, with her luck, Sakura would probably notice and kiss it to make it better…

Giving herself one last hard hit to stop herself from being turned on by the thought, Ino put the weight back in her pouch and knocked on the door before she lost her nerve. "Sakura-chan, it's I heard what happened. Wanna talk about it?" She was proud to say her voice was perfectly level, having mastered the art of acting completely normal around her best friend while wanting nothing better than to jump her metaphorical bones…

The door opened before Ino could start hitting herself again, and she suddenly found herself holding an armful of crying Sakura…

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Some time later, after Sakura poured her heart out, the two of them sat on Sakura's bed as the pink-haired girl dried her tears with Ino's proffered handkerchief. The blonde had nodded at all the right places regarding Sasuke, patted Sakura comfortingly and fantasized about all the ways she could torture the Uchiha whenever Sakura needed to be held, both to keep herself from passing out and keep from fantasizing about…

Ino could almost _feel _the weight hitting her head as she robotically accepted the hanky back from Sakura. "Arigatou, Ino-chan. I think I'm better no– Ino-chan, what happened to you forehead?-! it's got this horrible bruise on it!"

Ino became very focused at not staring at Sakura's breasts as the other girl grabbed her head for a better look. She shook slightly as Sakura began cooing over the injury, and tried to focus on something, _anything_ else. Frantically, she looked out the window, and noticed a flicker of movement on the next roof…

Two things happened at once.

One, Ino realized that her previous entourage had continued following her and was now spying on them at that very moment.

Two, Sakura gently stroked the bruise one last time, cooing and murmuring "Poor Ino-chan" as she indulged her maternal healing instincts, and leaned forward, kissing it to make it better.

Ino stiffened. Twitched as Sakura drew back, looking at her. "Does it feel better now, Ino?"

The last thing Ino remembered was pulling a surprised Sakura closer to her and a warmth against her mouth before everything, all rational thought, was obliterated in a haze of desire…

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In the Threshold, inside a room within a giant heart, Desire sneezed.

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"In here, Harry," Hermione as she, Ginny, Luna and Pansy Parkinson double-shuffled Harry into the girls lavatory as a bunch of female volunteers from various Houses finished putting on Harry's spare clothes, some adjust glasses or ties as they grimaced over the horrible taste of Polyjuice. "Hurry! They're coming!"

Moaning Myrtle phased through a wall as Harry frantically tried to open the door to the Chamber of Secrets. "They're only two corridors away! Get him out of here, quick!"

"Run, Harry!" Professor McGonagall said as she armed herself with her wand, the dupli-Harry's streaming out of the room to act as decoys and buy as much time as possible while Bellatrix, Narcissa and Tonks guarded the door. "Run and never look back! No matter what happens, you must never be found, ever!"

"I'll never forget this," Harry said, before the last straight Wizard on the planet bolted down the tube holding the instructions on how to make his own Portkey– preferably to some distant galaxy on the other side of the universe with an all-female population.

Minutes later, Dumbledore, Ron, Bill, Percy, Charlie, the twins, Malfoy jr., Voldemort, Malfoy sr., Fudge, Scrimgour, Krum, the Order of the Phoenix (though nowadays the P stood for an inappropriate body part), the Deatheaters and practically every male to ever appear in so much as a sentence, some dragging dupli-Harry's who were already changing back into women.

"Did you really think Polyjuice would work?" Voldemort hissed threateningly. "Severus has released an aerosolized antidote to the brew into the corridors, getting rid of the fakes."

"Besides, you forget that Tom has a special link to Harry," Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling in a way other than merry as the two stood side by side, advancing on the women. "Now, where is dear Harry?"

"YEAH!" all the men cried.

Somewhere, a copy of the Daily Prophet showing Dumbldore and Voldemort shaking hands as they leered at Harry read: **Harry Potter Irresistible To Men! War Over, Boy-Who-Lived To Become a Peace Offering!**

A copy of the Daily Prophet dated the following day lying close by read: **Gender Civil War Declared! Potter So Irresistible Women No Longer Getting Any!**

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**- To be continued...**

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A/N: And Sasuke-chan is officially nuts.

Yay, Yuri!

Poor Harry. Yaoi… (_shudder_)

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**OMAKE: When They Find Out About Desire…**

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Desire sweated as she surveyed the people before her.

"_**You…!**_" Sasuke, Robin, Larxene, Harry, Ranma and Tenchi snarled as the closed in on the anthropomorphic personification, hate blazing in their eyes.

Rune cracked her knuckles. "You have no idea the embarrassment you've caused Roshtaria because of your 'gift' to Fatora."

"_**You…!**_" Sasuke, Robin, Larxene, Harry, Ranma and Tenchi repeated, the hatred growing.

"_IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU EVERY GRIL AROUND ME TURNS INTO A RAGING PEDOPHILE!_" ten year old Negi Springfield cried as he powered up his magic.

"_**You…!**_" Sasuke, Robin, Larxene, Harry, Ranma and Tenchi growled, finally snapping and raging in unison. "_**DESIRE, BECAUSE OF YOU, WE'VE SEEN HELL! PREPARE TO DIE!**_"

So saying, they activated the 'ultra-super-secret-forbidden-mary-sue-power-up-Z' spell, and Desire stood facing a powered up Sasuke who had all the power ups of all the Super-with-harem!Naruto's in the multiverse, an immune-to-magic-magic-trained-Kryptonian-Robin-with-a-power-ring, a generic super!Ranma (cause really, these days, is there any other kind?) a generic super!Tenchi, a Herr-Scwarz-Ginoong-Itim-Mister-Darkest-Color-There-Is-Just-A-Guy-On-Vacation!Harry, an insane Rune, a sexually traumatize Negi and canon!Larxene.

"Oh, bugger…" Desire managed to get out…

Meanwhile, Death, Destiny, Dream, Despair, and Delirium were out shopping for their next sibling…

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**END!**

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Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	6. The Morning After…

A/N:

A/N: I'm late. I know. Can we please drop it?

--

Sakura's Harem

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 6: What Happens Next?

Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue. This is not to be confused with the _other_ 'Sakura's Harem' with the amazons.

--

Waking up came slowly to Ino. The bed she was on was nice and warm, the breeze coming from through the window was cool, and the girl snuggling up against her was soft and comfortable.

…

Wait a minute…!

Ino's eyes snapped open suddenly. Slowly, they rolled down, coming to rest on the sight of lots of pink hair.

Oh no… she _didn't_…!

She stiffened slightly as Sakura snuggled closer to her. Ino became conscious of that fact her arm was wrapped around the other girl's waist.

She hadn't…!

Ino could feel the blood start to drip from her nose. Some distant sense told her she still had her clothes and underwear on, she wasn't sure she knew how she felt about that…

Wait…

The window was open…

But it had been closed last night…

…

Oh crap…

Sakura snuggled closer to her, neatly overloading her brain, ceasing all higher brain function, and blissfully sending her to lala land…

--

"SHE WHAT?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!"

This was the cry spreading itself all through Konoha's feminine half. Academy students were talking about it. Kunoichi of various ranks talked about it. Cute little ramen stand girls talked about it. It was the quickest dissemination of information in Konoha's history, quicker than even the news of the Kyuubi's "death".

Quick, however, seldom goes hand in hand with accuracy.

"Have you heard?" Kaede whispered to Asuna in the middle of Negi-sensei's class. "Ino-sama took advantage of Sakura-hime's vulnerable condition to seduce her!"

"That lucky bitch! Damn Ino-sama!" Asuna cried, and was promptly given detention.

"Have you heard?" Mido Miko of the ANBU Seduction Corps said to one of her colleagues. "Ino-sama has used her clan's secret mind-control _jutsu_ to take possession of Sakura-hime's body and have it perform bizarre, carnal, deviant, kinky sex!"

"That bitch! Do you think they'll let us recruit her?" Carrera said.

"Have you heard?" Kakashi told Kurenai. "Jiraiya-ama is writing 'Icha Icha Yuri'. It's supposedly about a girl who's unaware that every woman in the village is in love with her."

Kurenai made a note to report this to the Hokage…

--

In a deep secret meeting place, the "Cherry Blossom" division of the ANBU– widely regarded by Root, Trunk, Vine, and Bark to be a bunch of weirdoes that didn't really do much, had too much time and money on their hands, and smelled funny– were having a secret meeting.

The other ANBU were mostly right. The Sakura division was pretty damned weird. For one thing, they held their meetings with the attendants completely naked except for their masks. Only women were admitted, for secret, mysterious reasons that supposedly had nothing to do with a certain pink-haired genin girl.

"Ino-sama was seen initiating contact," one of the naked ANBU reported from behind the peacock mask. "We have several witnesses attesting to the fact that she… _kissed _Sakura-hime."

A collective shudder rolled across the ANBU. The accumulation of certain fluids demonstrate what they thought of this.

"Kissed Sakura-hime…" one muttered, shivering. "That lucky bitch…"

Everyone sighed in agreement.

"So… what do we do about it?"

--

Even as the kunoichi of Konoha tried to figure out what to do, Naruto, recently released from the hospital, made his way to Sakura's house. He was depressed, more or less, about not being able to keep his promise to Sakura. Granted, it was no big loss to lose Sasuke– nice guy, more or less, in Naruto's book, albeit a stuck up, slightly too pretty for his own good pain in the ass– but it hurt Sakura, and that was what mattered.

Sakura's mother let him in, and he politely declined the offer of food. It wasn't unusual for him to come early and wake up Sakura. It was payback for the days when she showed up at his apartment and woke _him_ up.

"Sakura!" Naruto cried, knocking loudly on her door and opening it without waiting for a response, despite – or perhaps _because_ of– the fact that this was alreadyled to several incidents in the past where he'd caught her in her underwear and even a bare handful of memorable times when she'd been naked. "Wakey wakey!"

Naruto froze, staring. On the bed, Ino froze, looking like one of the Nara's deer about to get hit by an Akimichi (the local equivalent of the saying 'deer in the headlights'). Sakura, lying on Ino's side, looked up blearily at Naruto at the door and said, "Blrgh?"

Shakily, Naruto raised his hand, his finger wavering as he pointed accusingly. "Sakura-chan… Ino… the two of you…"

Panicking, Ino tried to get up without roughly dislodging Sakura. "Naruto!" she cried.

Abruptly, Naruto smiled widely. "IT'S ABOUT TIME!"

…

Ino blinked. Blinked. And blinked some more. "EH?-!-?-!-?"

Naruto grinned. "I _knew_ you two would end up together! Wait 'til I tell the guys. They didn't think this would happen!"

He winked knowingly at them, which is a horrifying sight that no one deserves to see. "I'll leave you two alone so you can get back to what you were doing, okay?"

He shut the door on the two girls, leaving Ino and Sakura staring at the door. They looked at each other– and Ino remembered why that wasn't such a good idea as her heart beat harder, her palms started to sweat, and her blood boiled.

As Ino reigned in the urge to _TAKE HER, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!_ Sakura began to blush. "Um, what just happened?"

The direct question gave Ino something else to think about besides… well, besides. "I think Naruto's just gone off to tell the whole village we're a lesbian couple."

Sakura straightened in shock– tried to, anyway– then fell back against Ino with a sigh. "We can kill him later," she muttered, making herself comfortable and incidentally snuggling against Ino.

_Just_ enough of Ino's higher brain functions remained to wonder how painfully she was going to be executed for this…

--

Lee Syaoran nervously kept watch around him, ready to run at a moment's notice, no hats dropped needed. Damn that Endless! What had he done to deserve this…?

As if on cue, his grade school classmates Rika, Naoko and Chiharu jumped out of a bunch of bushes, the former carrying a man– or at least, Syaoran– sized butterfly net, the other two armed with lengths of rope. "Syaoran-kun!" the three girls cried as Rika swung the net…

Syaoran was already out of there, though, and he managed to lose the three after ducking into a third alley and jumping two fences.

Damn, _damn, __**damn**_ that Endless!

He was just catching his breath when a pair of hands suddenly grabbed him from behind, a familiar voice squealing in his ear. "Syaoran!-!-!"

There was the ring of a bell as Mizuki KAho stepped out of the shadows, the usual creepy smile on her face now made much creepier unbridled lust. "Hello, Syaoran-kun…"

He gave a strangely scream as he fought his way free from Ruby Moon's grasp, barely managing to keep himself from using big magic. The boy had a much harder time escaping this time…

Shortly afterwards he ran into what he considered the "Angry Boyfriend Corps". Touya, Mr. terada, Eriol and Yamazaki all came charging at him with murderous intent, all screaming some variation of "Die Syaoran!-!-!"

Fortunately, they were intercepted by Sonomi's Security Force, who delayed them long enough for Syaoran, to jump into the Daidouji's armored limo.

"Syaoran-kun!" Sakura cried, giving him a concerned hug that might have taken longer and made more contact with certain areas than it needed to. Even her usually innocent gaze was tainted by a small grain of desire. "Are you all right?"

"Fine," Syaoran muttered, looking nervously past her at Daidouji's Sonomi and Tomoyo, both of whom were looking at him hungrily.

Sonomi leaned back as the limo got underway. "You're lucky we're inclined to help Sakura-chan with this, Syaoran-kun," she said sultrily over the brief sounds of fists being banged against the exterior of the car, and Syaoran couldn't help but notice her blazer was tighter than usual, her blouse was undone by several buttons, her skirt was riding higher and slit longer, and her stockings, bra and panties were all matching, very slutty black lace. The way she'd crossed her legs and was lounging back with both her arms outstretched, chest thrust out, was calculated to make _sure_ he'd notice.

Tomoyo nodded in agreement, for once not wielding her seemingly omnipresent camcorder. "It is most fortunate that our regard for Sakura exceeds our own lusting desire for you," she said. This from the girl who was, against all reason, wearing her blouse as low as her mother's , her legs spread open beneath her ridiculously short skirt. She seemed to prefer slutty _red_ lace and knee-high socks, pushing the sexy-moe schoolgirl bit to the _hilt_. It didn't help that she was leaning forward and rubbing his bare knee. And Sakura's too, he noted. _Huh…_

He sighed. Tomoyo's hands were getting higher, he noticed. He desperately hoped the Dimensional Witch could help with this…

In her shop, alias Ichihara Yuuko spritzed herself with a powerful aphrodisiac specially formulated to affect Lees, Card Mistresses, and potential lesbians. If she managed to get laid… well, then it was _hitsuzen_…

Maru and Moro, meanwhile, were trying to pick slutty underwear…

--

**- To be continued...**

--

A/N: It's Fate/Stay Night next…

Enjoy! And stop bringing up the late thing!!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	7. In Which Ino Sympathizes With Sasuke

A/N: Yes, I know, "Of all the things to update, why this?" Well, it was mainly completed in my notebook, so it was easy to transcribe. Don't worry, Raven is at the same state…

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Sakura's Harem

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 7: "In Which Ino Sympathizes With Sasuke For A Short While" or "That's All _**HE (because many people make the mistake of this)**_ Wrote"

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, Pein/Yahiko wouldn't have such a stupid 'bring people back to life' jutsu…

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Ino's partyline for the whole thing was "Nothing Happened!-!-!-!-!-!"

No one– among the female population of the village, anyway– seemed to believe a word of it. Few guys, for that matter, damn Naruto's flapping mouth. For the next several days after Ino dared to step outdoors, she kept encountering boys who congratulated her for "finally coming out of the closet and nailing Sakura like you obviously wanted to" and giving thumbs-ups and similar gestures, and girls who growled their jealous congratulations, held kunai, shuriken and other weapons in 'casual', threatening manners and threatened her to treat Sakura right OR ELSE!-!-!-!-! For that matter, so did several civilian women of various positions, half the kunoichi, the Hokage, the Cherry Blossom division of ANBU and her own mother.

Ino felt a sudden sense of kinship with Uchiha Sasuke. Wherever he was hiding, she hoped he was all right. She wondered if he'd let her hide with him…

Not that she'd be able too…

Her impulsive loss of self-control (that's what Ino called it) had, unfortunately– or fortunately, depending on who was asked– given Sakura, who was depressed and on the rebound, someone to latch on to emotionally. Ino alternately cursed and, secretly even from herself, thanked the kami for the luck that made her visit Sakura before Naruto had.

Sakura, who wasn't an idiot and picked up on the fact that Ino was getting a lot of flack from the situation, was very supportive of Ino, which was probably the only reason the blonde wasn't horribly murdered in her sleep. She also happened to remember more of what had happened "That Night", and though she was mysteriously silent about whether anything had happened, she'd told Ino she kissed better than Sasuke.

She still didn't know about the village-wide crush on her, though.

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Sakura walked down the street towards the Yamanaka's flower shop, even managing a light tune as she went. Naruto had promised her and Satsuki he'd get Sasuke back, and the blond was good on his word. The Uchiha girl hadn't really been that enthusiastic, but Sakura found it hard to blame her. No doubt the girl felt betrayed that Sasuke had abandoned her to seek power to kill their brother. Heck, Sakura felt a little betrayed as well, and she was just a girlfriend!

Guilt still prickled at Sakura at the thought. Was she a bad girlfriend for rebounding so soon after Sasuke? And with her best friend too? it was only a little emotional support– and some kissing that made Sakura blush to think about–but still, so soon?

Shaking off the thought– or at least sticking it in the back of her mental closet– Sakura entered the shop. "Come on Ino, you're going to be late!"

The thick crowd of kunoichi around the counter turned in surprise at this. There were a lot lof them, of various ages, from Academy students to ANBU. Perhaps it was anniversary season or something? Or maybe there was a new fad involving plant-jutsus. Jutsus came in fads just like everything else…

"Sakura-chan!" Ino exclaimed. "Just let me finish up! So that was 2 dozen roses, right?" This to a masked kunoichi, smiling widely. The smile looked like Ino had borrowed it from Naruto…

Sakura waited patiently as Ino cheerfully confirmed orders for several dozen roses of various colors, as many lilies, several cherry saplings, and other random but highly expensive blooms. Money was handed over, seemingly very reluctantly, the flowers wrapped and collected. It was a while before the store emptied and Ino was free to leave.

Ino, holding hands with Sakura, grinned internally for more than just the contact. Threaten her in her family's own shop, will they?

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_Naruto eventually went off to train with Jiraiya so he could learn the skills to protect himself from Akatsuki and came back as still wearing the same clothes, except it was now so dirty the blue had turned black. Sakura refused to talk to him until he'd had a bath. Then ten more. _

_Satsuki– Sasuke OC sister, remember? From the first chapter?– was recruited into the Cherry Blossom ANBU and pretty much replaced Sai. The amount of characterization is about the same, anyway._

_Sasuke ate Orochimaru, went on a quest to gain the power to kill Sakura and met the only girl in the world who hasn't heard of her yet, since Karin has technically been living in a cave all this time. He's since realized he likes having a girl around to fawn over him, and they've managed to hold a relationship together since Karin doesn't have a cult worshiping her and threatening to do horrible things to him. He has resolved to keep her as far away from Sakura as possible._

_Itachi, having realized Sasuke's attention has wandered off, went to piss off Satsuki, and was finally killed for his trouble. Satsuki was last seen with some pervert in a swirly orange and black mask with only 1 eyehole…_

_Hinata finally had sex with Naruto, since so many people figures it's bound to happen eventually. _

_Girl-body Pein mad the mistake of looking at Sakura and he and Konan have since been madly in love. They brokered peace with Konoha, Jiraiya did not die, Danzo was executed for being absent during an emergency, and Naruto, at Sakura's recommendation, became the 6__th__ Hokage. _

_Ino and Sakura have gotten happily married. The blonde still has to fend off Sakura's cultists every hour of the day, but she's gotten better at it. Never underestimate the wiles of a small business operator. _

_Zabuza thought, "Screw this" and went off to take over Hidden Mist again. He was more successful this time. His head assistant Haku often takes her vacation in Konoha…_

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In Fuyuki city, various women wanted to jump Emiya Shiro bones, ranging from Lolis to… well, anything female, anyway.

Just another normal day in the Nasu-verse…

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**- The End, 'cause I'm out of ideas…**

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A/N: Where the heck has Sai been? I haven't seen him in the manga in ages…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


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